by Gabriella, SEM Intern
During my freshman year of high school, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that turned my whole world upside down. I got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS), which can affect my ability to walk, see, balance, and feel things through my body due to nerve damage. During this season of my life, I was in and out of the hospital for months on end, I struggled with my home prayer-life, I felt isolated and alone, and it seemed that I had truly hit rock-bottom. I am very much a rhythmic/routine kind of person, and this entire situation threw my life completely off balance. I had no routine, no rhythm, what felt like no community, and no end in sight. The only thing that was semi-consistent in my life was church. While I did feel isolated and shut out at times, my family made a point to take me to Liturgy every Sunday during this struggle, even when I was in a wheelchair. Yes, it was a struggle; yes, I felt invisible; but that consistency was all I had.
My parents had given me my first ever prayer book and copy of the Orthodox Study Bible a year or two before my health complications started, but I hadn’t really gotten into the habit of using them daily, or even weekly. During this struggle with my health, when all I could do was lay or sit in bed for days on end, I finally found it in me to start using the tools my parents had gifted me. One thing I would often find myself doing was listening to a podcast or audiobook on Ancient Faith Radio and coloring in a coloring book for hours. It passed the time and gave me something to do. It gave me peace.
The more I listened to these online resources, the more I wanted to try reading or doing (praying) the things I was hearing. I had to fight a lot of temptations when I started this. “I’m too tired right now,” “I am hurting a lot and won’t be able to pay attention,” “Resting would be better for me,” “Do I have to?” and so on. I’m sure most people have struggled with some version of these thoughts before. They are so appealing in the moment, and yet… I always seemed to feel worse if/when I listened to the thoughts.
That next year, during Great Lent, my struggles increased. I could barely make it out of the house and struggled with anxiety and depression often. My family lived about an hour away from our parish at the time, and I hadn’t made it to almost any Lenten services. I wanted to push myself and go to as many Holy Week services as I could. This was for selfish reasons at first (I wanted to “check all the boxes”), but I grew to truly appreciate the services for what they are. My family took me to about half of the Holy Week services that year, and it was exhausting in the absolute best way. Then Pascha rolled around. I struggled through the service and had to go outside a few times, but once I Communed, something changed. That next week, right as I was going to see some specialists for my health problems, I was starting to heal. I was able to start using my legs for the first time in almost 9 months!
The next year was a new kind of challenge. Now that I could walk again, I had to gain my strength back. I went to various different doctors and physical therapy offices, and I had to do different types of desensitization at home (my siblings loved to help with that!). Through the Grace of God, and everyone’s prayers and support, by the end of the year I was back to a regular state of health, whatever that means!
Now, four years later, I still struggle with the same things from time to time. I knew my life would never be the same, but I knew one thing for sure, I had to keep the Church in my life. From this experience with my health I have grown to appreciate the services, prayers, and resources the Church gives us. Yes, I still struggle with those same thoughts and feelings I had when I was really sick, but they are less now. There are days I don’t want to get out of my cozy bed and go to my icons. There are days when I would much rather get lost in a good fiction book than read my Bible. But I have learned that if I listen to those thoughts, if I let myself get dragged away from the consistent help the Church gives me, I will always feel worse than when I started.
I now make it a point to pray, read Scripture, and exercise daily. No matter how little or much I can do. I might just say “Lord, have mercy on me” and walk around my backyard listening to Scripture readings on my phone, or maybe just staring at my Bible. I often feel guilty when I do this, thinking it’s “not enough” and I’m a “terrible Christian”, but some days that is all I can give to God. I know He helps me where I fail on those days and loves me regardless. And if I didn’t keep up with these things, if I weren’t consistently trying to try, I would just fall back into all the complications I struggled with before and have even less motivation to get out. No matter the amount, the effort, the consistent effort, is always what shines through. And thank God for that!